


Breathe, Damn it!

by holdouttrout



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-01
Updated: 2010-06-01
Packaged: 2017-10-21 17:07:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/227572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holdouttrout/pseuds/holdouttrout
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Janet and Teal'c are up to something, but Jack can't figure it out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe, Damn it!

**Author's Note:**

> My abject thanks to [](http://aurora-novarum.livejournal.com/profile)[**aurora_novarum**](http://aurora-novarum.livejournal.com/) for the alpha, the beta, and the refusal to back down from telling me it still wasn't right.

It was early afternoon on P55-7X2, and Jack was wandering. There wasn't much else to do, unfortunately--not unless you were a medical celebrity like Doctor Frasier, who had personally accompanied their mission to spend a week picking the brains of the local doctors, healers, and herbalists.

So far, it had been a excruciatingly boring mission. The people here were big on two things: medicine and sobriety, although there _was_ supposed to be a party later tonight--sort of an end of the week celebration.

Jack saw Janet with Teal'c and the team of medical specialists gathered around Janet's laptop, their heads bent together and excitedly discussing... something. When they saw him, they clammed up and closed ranks. Teal'c quickly and calmly shut the laptop before Jack could see what had been on the screen.

Jack slowed down. "Hey, Doc," he said, giving Teal'c a look that was returned with perfect equanimity. Jack wasn't fooled. Something was up.

"Colonel!" Janet said. She somehow managed to look completely innocent--and not like she was trying to look innocent, either. She was _good_.

"Was there something you needed?" she asked.

Jack gave them all a nice, long look, just in case one of them would crack. One of the younger men shifted, and Jack turned to look at him. The man glanced up, and Jack realized he had just been brushing a creepy-ass flying ant off his ankle.

Damn it.

"No," he said, finally. "Just thought I'd say hi." He looked around the group. "Hi."

Janet's lips twitched, but she held on admirably. "Well, we were just discussing some of the herbal remedies--"

"Sounds great," Jack said quickly. "I'll... leave you to it."

"Yes, sir," Janet said. "See you tonight?"

One of the older women drew in a breath that was almost, _almost_ a laugh, but when Jack looked her way, she seemed perfectly composed.

Jack caught Teal'c eye. Teal'c raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Jack said. "See you at the party." He wandered off, wondering what in hell a doctor whose poker face made him sweat and an alien who gave new meaning to the word "inscrutable" were up to, and if he was going to regret not pushing for answers in the near future.

He filled the time until the party by hanging around Daniel, alternating between being annoying and annoyed. He had just gotten Daniel started on a long-winded argument about the meaning of life, or rocks, or something, when the sun went down and the music started. His ears perked up. That certainly didn't sound calm and sedate. Well, he thought, Friday was finally here.

His team met him at the edge of the town square. Jack's eyebrows shot up at the scene before him. There were long tables along the sides that were piled with food, and a makeshift stage at one end of the space, which supported something much like a band than the sedate string quartets they had listened to at the formal dinners the rest of the week. They were, he noted, just warming up; he could see several other people getting out instruments and preparing to join the ensemble.

"Huh," Jack said.

"Welcome!" someone shouted in his ear.

Jack winced and turned, finding Mahr--their local liaison--beaming. It was almost creepy, really, since Mahr hadn't even cracked a small smile the whole time he had shown them around.

"Now we can show you the true character of our city," Mahr said. Just then, a woman with a tray full of glasses came by, and Mahr stopped her. He urged the members of SG-1 to take a glass, which they did.

"To the end of the week!" Mahr proclaimed, and tossed back his glass.

SG-1 and Janet took tentative sips of their own glasses. Jack felt his eyebrows shoot to the top of his head at the strong liquor. Teal'c made a face and set his glass straight down. Carter and Daniel both almost choked.

Mahr clapped Jack on the back. "It is lata," he said. "Very good. Very strong." He caught sight of someone he knew, and waved. "Ahrn!" He moved off without saying goodbye.

Jack watched him go, bemused. "We are still on the same planet, right?" he asked his team.

Carter stifled a grin.

"I guess they take their weekends seriously," Daniel said.

Janet laughed. "You should have heard the group today--a couple of hours ago, they completely lost interest in anything related to business. This was all they could talk about."

"Yeah, well," Jack said, scanning the square. It was getting pretty packed, now, and people were milling about the food. That seemed like a good idea. "Food?" he said.

The music finally started, and it was loud. The dancing started almost as soon as the music, and everyone was relaxed, animated. During a rare break in the music, the townsfolk poked and prodded Daniel right up on stage, where he gave a short explanation of their travels--unremarkable except that two young men who had had a little too much to drink took it upon themselves to act the story out.

Jack wasn't sure anyone understood the resulting product, but he thoroughly enjoyed it--and appreciated that the video recorder had somehow found its way into Carter's hands.

"You're going to keep a copy of that, right?" he said to her, and she flashed him a smile.

"Several," she promised.

The next several hours were a bit of a blur. It was apparently the end of the work week, which meant the party would go until dawn. The next thing Jack knew, Doc Janet and Teal'c were headed on stage, their gaggle trailing behind them, still wearing their completely serious expressions from earlier. Jack felt a shiver of fear.

"Carter," he hissed. "Do you know anything about this?"

Carter shook her head, frowning a little. "No, sir."

The whole group was on stage now, the others lining up slightly behind Janet and Teal'c. It took a minute before the crowd quieted--most of the other acts had plunged ahead without waiting for anyone's attention. There was no hope the audience would ignore the group on stage, though. The doc had become an instant celebrity for her medical knowledge and Teal'c, well... was Teal'c. People would be hard-pressed to ignore him when he wasn't on stage, staring impassively ahead.

Finally, the crowd was still, waiting expectantly.

Carter turned the camera back on.

Janet stepped forward to the edge of the stage. "Ladies and Gentlemen," she began, "over the last few days, I have learned much from you. Tonight, I want to share with you one of our medical legends."

Jack turned to Carter and mouthed _medical legends?_ Carter shrugged.

Janet was still introducing their act. "I have enlisted the help of several dedicated performers--" here she gestured to those gathered behind her-- "to assist me, along with our special guest, Teal'c."

Teal'c inclined his head.

Janet raised her voice slightly, and with a dramatic sweep of her hand, said, "We present to you a small part of the ongoing saga of the ER."

The crowd erupted into a loud cheer as Carter doubled over into laughter. Startled, Jack almost didn't see the group on stage rearrange themselves, forming two groups. Janet and Teal'c stood on one end of the stage, their heads bent together.

"Carter--" he said, intending to ask if she was all right, but she had already managed to stop laughing and was pointing the camera back at the stage.

A loud wailing erupted from four of the actors. Jack started, nearly jumping up before the sound resolved into a sort of parody of an ambulance siren. The four were carrying another actor, who was limp between them.

"He's not breathing!" one of the actors shouted. The "ambulance" disgorged its occupant into the waiting hands of the doctors--Janet and Teal'c--and Janet took control of the situation.

"Get him on the table!" Janet commanded. "Doctor Teal'c, begin CPR."

Teal'c inclined his head and calmly began faking CPR on the victim. For a while, it looked like the victim wasn't going to respond. Teal'c pause in his ministrations. "I command you to inhale," he said.

The audience--and the supposedly unconscious victim--laughed.

"How do they even know this stuff?" Carter said. “I mean, it's not like they even _have_ ambulances.”

"Janet brought a few episodes of ER on her laptop," Daniel said, plopping himself down next to her. "I think one of them saw it and thought it was a comedy."

"No wonder they hit it off; Janet thinks so, too," Carter remarked dryly.

Jack remembered a rumor about the doc's ER reenactments, something about a week of late nights in the infirmary and a lot of coffee. That explained a lot.

The next few minutes were chaotic as they spouted off reams of medical terminology, Janet throwing in sly asides to the audience to make sure they were following along. Jack guessed by the laughter from the audience that it wasn't a problem. There were two patients, and they ended up connected by numerous implausibilities. First, one needed a kidney, and then the other needed a transfusion. Near the end, the "doctors" brought the two together so they could meet the person who had saved their life.

"William Green," said the first patient.

"Richard Young," said the second, and then did a double-take. "Say, you're not related to Amelia Green by any chance, are you?"

"She's my mother!" William exclaimed.

"Unbelievable--that's my aunt's second-cousin's uncle's daughter!" replied Richard. "That means we're..."

Richard cocked his head to the side and pretended to think it through.

"Cousins," said Janet firmly. The audience laughed.

William and Richard turned to each other. "Cousins!" They threw up their hands and embraced while the audience cheered.

The 'cousins' took a bow and left the stage. Janet looked at Teal'c. Teal'c looked at Janet. "What do we do now, Doctor Frasier?" Teal'c said.

Janet looked out at the audience, then back at Teal'c. "Save lives, Doctor Teal'c. We save lives."

The audience cheered, and they took a bow.


End file.
